COPYRIGHT INFO The Sporadic Verses are copyright 1992, 1993 and 1994 by Jeff Berry and Ben Baron. They may be reproduced in any SCA publication so long as this copyright notice is retained, they are not sold for profit, and the authors receive a copy. If you want to sell them for profit, or buy the nice bound collected editions, contact Jeff Berry, nexus@panix.com END OF COPYRIGHT INFO - Date: 11/25/97 The Sporadic Verses - an epistle in n parts Being a Satire of nothing in particular. For the discerning reader whose political fortunes can't get any worse From the mightier-than-the sword pens of Louis-Philippe Mitouard and Alexandre Lerot d'Avigne Episode the Thirteenth In order to provide an historical perspective, your humble authors interrupt our usual tight narrative to provide you with a look back at the forces which have molded the Imperium and the Wastelands. About 650 years ago Roger the Red, called the Lucky, lands his viking bireme on the shores of a new land. He and his crew of twenty gaze with awe on the rich landscape -- the fertile fields, the cloud-topping trees, the fish-filled rivers and more. Within twenty minutes, the North and South Kingdoms are formed. Within an hour war is declared. Within two hours all is quiet save for the sea-birds. About 550 years ago Christopher Polloverde lands on the spot where Roger and his crew met their fate. Christopher consults with his lawyer and magician. The result is Corpora and The Imperium. At the first Crown tournament in the new Kingdom (called, oddly enough, the Northrealm), Christopher wins as he is the only crew member to meet the Imperial Membership requirement. The two principalities of the Northrealm are immediately formed, The Smogs and The Franklaw. The magician and the lawyer win the respective Coronet tourneys, as only they meet the Imperial Membership requirements for Principalities. Expansion begins at a rate that would make the bubonic plague jealous. About 449 years and 9 months ago The rest of the crew, now meeting the Membership requirements, revolt and the Kingdom of the South is formed. About 50 years ago After a political battle that made The War of the Roses look like a preschool playground fight, the Principality of the Wastelands becomes the Kingdom of the Wastelands. After a particularly brutal Inaugural Crown list, Sir Butshtomp Shtompbutsen is crowned King of the Wastelands and establishes the most revered of all Wastelandish traditions -- vomiting on the outgoing royalty. About 30 years ago The world trembles the day that an infant, now known as John the Smith, is born. This immediately causes the young 'John' to tumble out of his crib and hit his head on the slate floor of his parents small Wastelandish home. It is a modest life for him growing up. His father, Calvin, 'Cal', el-Cid is a handyman carpenter -- a poor living for a man in a village built entirely of bricks. One would not know that young 'John' would turn out to be the anti-hero and revolutionary of modern times. He is an only child, and lives peacefully in the small village of Metrofordham, situated next to the banks of the large Effluvian river. His parents discover he is a special child when at the mere age of one and a half, they find him lifting an Ox with his bare hands. They make him return the Ox to the neighbors from whom he stole it, of course, and, properly chastised, he never repeats the trick again. The young boy's fortunes change forever one day when he is three. His village and all its inhabitants are, without explanation, ravaged and destroyed by marauding barbarians, who mysteriously appear that day and then vanish, never to be heard from again. His parents scarcely have time to pack the young 'John' into his specially fashioned reed escape-boat and send him down the river before the disaster overtakes them. Exactly 7 Years Ago Jocko the Fifth and his Queen, Candy Bellemelons, sit the throne of the Wastelands -- also called the Roadkill Thrones (the arms of the Wastelands being "Azure, upon a deceased deer argent, chevrony in pale sable"). During their reign they establish the Order of the Inline V-8 for "Exceptional Service to the Realm by Inanimate Objects Displacing Over 200 ccs", and name Deux Coupe le Petit as the premier. The award carries a Grant of Arms. With regular maintenance, His Lordship Deux Coupe continues to serve to this day. Exactly 3 Years, 6 months and 2 days ago Jocko the Eighth and his Queen, Bambi atte Bed, close out the order of the Inline V-8 after "The Day of the Dumbkopfs". This incident occurred when the Opossum Herald, Lars the Persnickety attempted to put an end to the abominable practice of allowing escorts to march with persons of higher precedence. Lars maintained that Grand Marches would be strictly in order of Precedence. When His Lordship Deux Coupe approached the thrones, it was without his usual escort and driver. Unable to stop himself, he ran amok and killed both Lars and the heirs to the throne, Sir Bupkiss the Untouchable and Mistress Mary Eatdrinkandbe. It is universally acknowledged that the death of Lars saved Jocko the trouble of having him executed for criminal stupidity. The death of the heirs paves the way for the reign of the second place finisher, Sir Otnay Ootayightbray. At that time it was thought impossible for anyone other than Sir Bupkiss or Sir Jocko to win a tournament and as a result, only they were required to have consorts. Thus it was that a king ruled alone for the only time in the history of the Wastelands. About 12 Years Ago The Wastelandish Newsletter (known as "The Wastelandfill") undergoes a change of management when the presses of the previous management are mysteriously smashed into a thousand little pieces by a phalanx of horned-helmeted Norwegian gentlemen. The criminals are never caught. Baron Wulfric of Warmongeria denies all knowledge of the act in his first editorial as new managing editor. At the same time, after giving a series of speeches decrying waste in the practices of his predecessor, he changes the format of the newsletter from a full color 64-page magazine to a preprinted three-by-five "Visit Scenic Warmongeria" postcard. About 2 Months Later The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Giovanni El Dorado, announces to the Crown that that perhaps he made a tiny little boo-boo in predicting cost savings under the new newsletter format. He was forced to reveal that the bills he received from Baron Wulfric were the same as they had been for the old product. Evidently despite considerable savings in paper, ink and distribution costs, the newsletter suffers a great increase in what Baron Wulfric listed as 'Incidental Travel and Entertainment Expenses'. The Crown at first is skeptical, but relents when Baron Wulfric assures Him that reading the new small format has caused him such eyestrain that a month's vacation at the seacoast is indeed necessary as a work-related expense. About 1 Month After That Giovanni El Dorado is found dead, an apparent suicide. His suicide note when translated from the Runic read: "I can't stand living knowing that I might have caused the great Wulfric any pain, thus I will hack my own head off with my favorite Viking Axe, which I just happen to have handy. Uff-da, Givanno Eldoradosen". Wulfric denies any knowledge of the act in the next edition of the Wastelandfill, and is quoted as saying, "Hey, I have nothing against Italo-Iberians! Some of my best friends are Italo-Iberians." About 3 Months After That In response to mounting criticism that, under the new 3x5 format, the editorials occupy all the available space leaving no room for event announcements, Baron Wulfric is quoted as saying, "Hey, everybody knows when and where the events are, what they don't know is how to behave at them." Controversy rages over his new editorial titled, "A Baron's Precedence: Just as High as the King, or Even Higher?" One Month Later The old controversy dies out as the new editorial titled, "A Baron's Precedence: Or, Out of my Way Your Majesty, you peon!" arrives in peoples homes. Exactly 1 Year ago, at Breakfast Lord Dartagnan El Agrippa accosts King Jocko the Eleventh over their bagels and lox, agitating violently for the legalization of late period combat, that is to say, Rapier play. Enraged by the disturbance of his peaceful repast, Jocko, who until that moment is not even aware that people can fight with anything but a rattan stick, and who never cared less, dictates the following law on the spot: "Combat without rattan sticks is illegal. Wearing puce and mauve at breakfast is punishable by death." Lord El Agrippa is executed before the waffles are done and is buried in his puce and mauve outfit. The Late Period Liberation Front is founded by mid-afternoon, while Landsknechts and Renaissance Italians debate with Jocko's legal cadre over the exact parameters of "puce" and "mauve". Last Thursday The birthday of Decurion Marcus Niemanus, happy XXXII-nd!